I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
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YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
On the Museum of Science and Industry coal mine tour and the guide asks “how would you improve working conditions in the mine?” This Little One shoots a hand up and cheerfully answers:
“Riot”
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Cake!!
[police questioning a friend about my murder]
Police: Did he have any enemies
Friend: Boy did he ever
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
I’m aging like a fine banana
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry