Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.

You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.

Me: *dressed as a dragon*

Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy

Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya

I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.

maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.

My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: OH NO

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.

Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.

Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”

Jesus: *deletes my account*

Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”

“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”

-How I pick my Halloween costume

Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.

WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys

ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?

(Sigh)

I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…

if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide

[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks

[Oreo meeting]

What about ‘sextuple stuffed’

“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”

[later googling Sextuple]

“Omg that’s genius”

I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too

ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best

If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.

so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk

My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.

Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?

Tequila, I’m looking at you.

First Date

Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.

Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*

What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?

The invention of the 2nd telephone

Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…

You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch

Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary

Her: Can you look upstairs?

Me: I can’t look up anything