Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!

Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.

If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.

If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.

Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.

Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.

DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?

I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.

Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look

I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….

But, I can walk.

Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!

I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.

I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.

I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.

My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.

I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.

I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video

Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times

Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund

Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on

[NASCAR Press Conference]

REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?

DRIVER: Fast circles

*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*

Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.

Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.

much to think about

My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead

I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.

gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky

me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata

Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!

Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!

Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.

On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.

Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..

I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue