I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
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*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
💯😂
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?