Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I notice you only call when you want something

Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due

If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.

MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…

I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.

The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror

Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.

Autocannibalism is self-serving.

We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.

Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!

Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!

Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.

do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay

BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver

Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.

[texting]

-have a good day

You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂

-please stop texting me

Ha! You two!

Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.

Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour

Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.

I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”

UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!

The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.

Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.

Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.

Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.

My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm

I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.

Me: finally drifting off to sleep

The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this

14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.

Waitress: Is this your grandma?

Me: My wife.

Waitress: …

Me: …

Waitress: I am SO sorry.

*walks away*

Grandma: Nice one. High five!

I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.

My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them

FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”

9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*