I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
You Might Also Like
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.
Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.