I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
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Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?