I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
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in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then