I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
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Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
dead inside
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱