I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
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producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”
Not paying bills.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
I don’t get marriage
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.