Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”

a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???

If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.

If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.

Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.

Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf

At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.

well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon

Best Halloween yard decorations 😂

Doctor: It doesn’t look good

Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet

Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste

Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed

One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless person

I don’t like to talk about it

“Good luck tomorrow.”

* Me confusing a random stranger *

LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice

A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”

(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.

I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”

Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.

A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop

A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.

Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.

Me: pick and choose your battle.

My son: I choose every battle.

Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?

vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian

every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish

Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.

I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.

I hope his new foster family is nice.

If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee

Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.