i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.
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Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
my grandfather spent many decades & his entire life savings unsuccessfully trying to develop & grow the world’s first ham sandwich tree
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
dads on road-trips be like
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.