Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The 70s had it right.

Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.

Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.

*Mr. Miagi on Twitter

What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice

The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.

Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?

General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.

NETFLIX: Skip intro?

ME: Yes.

NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.

ME: Should…should I not skip it?

NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.

ME: Okay, skip intro.

NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.

ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.

dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩‍⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️‍♀️👶

If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.

Hot singles in your area!

They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.

Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.

I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.

and this one

Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist

I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.

Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is

The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.

Him: Shall we have sex?

Her: I want to wait til we’re married

Him: Ugh fine

Priest: Shall I continue?

My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.

Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.

*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops

Pretty certain I can more drunk

8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those

Me: To strangle your coworkers

8yo: What?

Me: Huh?

[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]

Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?

Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?

The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified

“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Terrible heart surgeon.

Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”