Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.

“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”

– inventor of the sauna

Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store

I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.

I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.

If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.

In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault

evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…

Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.

What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?

My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.

I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.

don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays

I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world

I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.

He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”

Every parent who said “I’ll GIVE you something to cry about” was talking about 2024.

9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.

Me: [mutes TV] what

9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.

Me: …

9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]

Me. It’s *eucalyptus*

When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?

I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”

[tearing off our clothes]

Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.

*kicks flip-flop through her TV*

Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit

I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.

Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary

Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.

The Eggorcist

Waiter: Ready to order?

Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.

Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.

there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse

My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.

I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.