Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them

had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next

A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.

~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day

I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.

When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.

Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.

Boss: I had a dream about you last night.

Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.

Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts

Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”

5yo: “Yes!”

Me: “What colors?”

5yo: “The same!”

Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood

My son didn’t want to get up for school today, so I promised him that if he got up and went to school today, I wouldn’t make him go tomorrow.

We were about halfway to the bus stop when he realized that it’s Friday.

[avengers trailer drops]

ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez

[john wick trailer drops]

ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER

“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”

Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito

My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.

I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.

Dentist: Do you floss?

Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough

My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..

Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.

WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen

Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.

Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it

There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.

CEO: what’s the store layout

me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions

CEO: ok

me: cigarettes will be right up front

CEO: first of all I love it

“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”

If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.

Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.

If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.

Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.

Me: Okay. *starts running*

*halley’s comet goes by*

*trainer dies of old age*

*halley’s comet passes again*

*the sun dies*

*final episode of the simpsons airs*

Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!

Them: Tell us something about yourself.

Me:

[3am – a knock on the door]

me: jfc do u know what time it is?

salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time

me: *considers intensely* come in