I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.
I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.
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[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Grandmother clock.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesn’t do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. 😂😂😂😂
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?