I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.
I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.
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Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don’t know if you’ll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm