I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.
I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.
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It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Acronyms got me like WTF?
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.