I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.
I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.
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My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe