I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
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Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
This is I, Robot all over again
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke