I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
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“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
I put the hot in psychotic.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.
You heard.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax