I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
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So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
