I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
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I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
I wish I could listen to my headphones when I go for a run and not have to worry about getting attacked, but sadly we do not live in a world where I go running.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*