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It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
anxiety is soooo crazy bc why do i have diarrhea cuz im scared of something that hasn’t happened yet. what purpose does this diarrhea serve evolutionary
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
“oh, i didn’t expect to see you here” i say to the work i left for myself to complete after the holidays
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.