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Is it stupid and irresponsible? Yes. Will it make me happy? Also yes.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Cheers Twitter.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
i don’t think he’s the guy. the shooter used a silencer and an italian would never attempt to be quiet in public
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Store policy: You break it you buy it.
Cat policy: you by it you break it.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.