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I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Finally!
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
…but like… what if I WANT new socks for Christmas?
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
ios update: we’ve changed the keyboard size just slightly again. good luck!
me: god danb ut
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti