“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
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[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
*wraps present*
Ugh. Where are the gift tags? Whatever, I’ll remember who it’s for.
[20 minutes later]
Shit.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Server: Have you dined before?
Me: Have I d- like in general?
Server:
Me: Yeah. Yes.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.