Sometimes I feel like Valentine’s Day was invented by a guy who had way too many chocolate covered strawberries.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
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Her: Do you have any kids?
Me: I have 2 step kids
Her: None of your own?
Her: How come?
Her: I’m sorry what?
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Guy just asked me where a public phone was, I told him 1987.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Husband: *buys her flowers*
H: *buys her jewellery*
H: *starts extreme couponing*
W: *gives him all the sex*