“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
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I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
We have a winner.
wow he looks just like him
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.