Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY

Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here

bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”

i won

911: 911, What’s your emergency?

Me: It’s John again.

911: John, seriously!!!

Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.

Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’

The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.

My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.

Going to a wedding today:

Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.

Clearly I have work to do with the little one.

heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)

Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.

My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars

[first day in prison]

Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*

[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy

If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids

Guns don’t kill people

People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people

me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is

my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk

spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you

5: I need you to give me some money.

Me: Why?

5: Let me worry about that.

Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!

bad news gang

Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people

4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.

cop: do you know why your neighbors called us

me: *into megaphone* NO

Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.

Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.

If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go

ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them

COP: yes but please don’t cup my face

Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks

Going back in time, y’all need anything?