Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.

I dated a woman once.

Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.

[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]

“May I have this dance?”

[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]

😂🥴

I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?

I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.

I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?

I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.

I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID

GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!

ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]

[later]

GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?

“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”

I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night

*watches Forensic Files for tips*

*taps pencil*

*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*

*taps pencil*

*pauses*

*underlines it*

Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.

Tempted to eat my own leg.

Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.

[Mother’s Day text to my wife]

Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?

Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.

mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside

I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC

Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale

Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.

Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no

Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.

Me: He was stressed

Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk

Me: I was stressed

Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”

Me: Could be anyone…

The year twenty five😃
will bring us all the pie🥧
will bring us all the pie🎼🥁
(gets pie in the face)

December 1st:
Smoked a cigar

December 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth

I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.

I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.

2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think

2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam

wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction

me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece

Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins

When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.

If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.

{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet