Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁

Losing 😲

Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.

This squirrel eats better than I do

I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”

No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.

I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…

I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.

[FIRST DATE]

ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.

“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*

My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.

All of your holes are looking great

– Croctologists

9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself

The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.

Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀

I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.

Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.

it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman

I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.

[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin

*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way

“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.

When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”

My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness

i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft

I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.

*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*

The best things in life are free.

Stealing is awesome.

Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.

It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”

What a random, consistent, coincidence

Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle