Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apartments show you 44 pics of the lobby b**ch I ain’t living in there

my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.

Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.

Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?

God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.

Butterfly: please?

God: I can’t do it.

Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?

God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.

Butterfly: ok fine : (

Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.

Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for

Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating

Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.

My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?

Me:

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

[Frankenstein Castle]

MAMA: You need to make more friends

VICTOR: Fine…

{later}

MAMA: I should have been more specific

I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.

[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]

The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.

Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.

psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*

customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any

me: that’s how good they are

customer: the cage door is open

me: *looking around nervously* oh no

those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat

When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.

I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.

My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420

Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.

An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.

Octopuses call that “leg day.”

Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.

didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now

Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down

If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me

“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”

“It’s not about the money.”

-people with money

When it comes to depression, sighs matters

Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there