Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”

You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.

My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes

Until I got drunk, and put them on

Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?

Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.

My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.

Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years

“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”

Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit

I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.

Now it’s syncing.

#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

[Ninja Dojo]

Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?

Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.

Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at

[MURDER SCENE]

ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief

CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample

[watching TV]

“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”

Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*

“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.

I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant

Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”

Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.

I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall

son: is this microwave friendly?

me: [patting microwave] yes he is

I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.

“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement

Satan: Welcome to Hell.

Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.

Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.

Me: Sonofa….

It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.

Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.

Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.

Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.