I don’t want to admit how long this entertained the cat as well as us 🤣🤣🤣
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A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Teamwork makes the dream work.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”