Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time

Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you

Me: I didn’t call you

Demon: I did

Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.

A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.

🐠

The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow

We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.

Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.

Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.

Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.

A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.

Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?

Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.

However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.

Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?

demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here

me: haha yeah

demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans

when you order from DoorDastardly

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?

I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’

The news

[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*

Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.

Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”

They will drive… super carefully.

Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.

When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.

Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.

Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.

looking at weird sushi roll names and uh

Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…

Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.

Single Men say: Yes

Married Men: Try to hide

microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold

me: what if you cooked it just right

microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks

I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.

Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.

I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.