Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car

[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen

Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.

I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way

Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute

and everybody loses their shit!

When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”

It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.

A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)

And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.

Bromans 4:19

Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.

people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day

interviewer: ur biggest weakness?

me: i hate working

Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane

You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.

“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything

“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter

My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.

She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen

😂

the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down

Vin Diesel: Is it fast?

Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.

Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

~What is your sin, child?

My husband and I are arguing

~That’s very common.

…about my boyfriend.

the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter

I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.

[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.

My guide to NyQuil:

Name brand red: no horse in your head

Store brand green: a horse will be seen

My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.