I don’t want to admit how long this entertained the cat as well as us 🤣🤣🤣
You Might Also Like
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.