Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?

you could not pay me to delete this app

“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig

Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot

perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors

Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.

Truth. 😆😭😮‍💨

My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.

When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills

Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”

Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:

-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat

Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.

(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):

what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money

Hb: is there any apple pie left?

Me: do you know me at all?

5: Can we go outside and play.

Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.

5: Can’t you just throw up outside?

HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!

Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale

My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.

No, I don’t think I will.

British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins

Her: Whats that mouth do boo?

Me: Probably say something stupid.

My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.

I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good

Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity

Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here

Satan: wait no

Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.

Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye

him: hey have you ever seen house

her: house?

him: yeah like doctor house

me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital

Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.

How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.

Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.

Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?

Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!