I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
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every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
groan^2
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
I got 3 miles in before breakfast.
That’s enough driving for the day
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
No one :
Me when I swimming :
I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.
I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.