Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up

wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”

Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?

Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.

We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds

Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.

“Please let go of my hair”

-my gynaecologist

I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.

Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch

what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look

I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.

The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.

My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.

If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.

(3am, my kid wakes up)

Me: *Pretends to be asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*

Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*

[Party]

Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody

Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb

If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.

I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.

Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!

Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-

when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights

My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”

I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.

This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.

“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles

I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.

Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*

Friend: Bad breakup?

Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.

My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate

I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.