Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.

Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind

I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.

Alice: I’m late.

White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line

Alice:

White Rabbit:

Alice: *stares*

White Rabbit: oh shit

My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.

CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!

What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.

Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.

ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world

WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*

How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.

If I was a boss I would treat my goons right. They would know love. “You got it, boss” will be met with “Stay safe out there, boys. You’re my pride and joy”

“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”

“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck

So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.

I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.

Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.

not for long

I had a weird smell once…

A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.

I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.

You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?

3 months. Three

I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.

Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive

I feel like one of these would kill a European

My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.

Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?

Me: It’s because…holy shit

Kid: You just ran that stop sign

Me: Shut up give me a second

I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour

Florida man

Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?

[Earlier]

Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST

in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful

I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me

WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?

wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped