I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
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Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
adding to the discourse
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.