Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I hate it when people make me wait.

Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.

Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts

My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.

Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.

[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok

*sleeping*

Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE

if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.

not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang

*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?

I threw a ball for my dog.

Extravagant, I know.

But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.

I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.

self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you

her: i’m leaving you
 
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
 
him: who ar- wait what

*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*

ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.

But wait…

If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.

You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.

Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.

Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed

i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ

I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen

Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?

It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.

I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.

I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.

What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly

Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.

*starts crying*

Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?

“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys