Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.

Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”

I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.

“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies

Erm I’m gonna say no

My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up

single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008

I’m just playing devils avocado here

Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.

A wife is like a hand grenade.

Remove the ring, and your house is gone.

“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”

– said no mom, ever

When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped

We cut our bangs at dawn.

I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her

My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas

“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”

*slams phone*

Why do I keep calling that parrot?!

My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark

I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo

Me: *stomach rumbling*

8: Why is your tummy making those noises?

M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive

Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?

Me: 100%

did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,

“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.

Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.

Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense

I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”

Thaw me like one of your french fries