Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway

Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-

[20 minutes later]

Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND

I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.

what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????

Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?

Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!

Not my fault if the kids give up too soon

Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t

Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.

My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”

My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.

mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes

“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”

Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”

Caught my son playing operation by himself and every time it would buzz he would say “now tell me where Batman is”

He’s going to be just fine

Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.

2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*

1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself

if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight

Before & after 😅

I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink

ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band

I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.

Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on

[Bedroom at midnight]

*scary noises*

Husband: is… is someone in here?

*demonic sounds from the closet*

Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore

*sad demonic noises*

Husband: *bleeding*

Me: *calling 911*

Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.

Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.

This is my emotional support online shopping cart

Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.

But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.

The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.

Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.

Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.