I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
You Might Also Like
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
You had me at “define legal”.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?
“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”