Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.

Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.

banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients

Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.

– me as a therapist

{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.

Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate

I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home

LIBRARIAN: yes over there

ME: do u have any books on time travel

What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper

*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*

[cries for 20 minutes]

I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”

I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.

~ Me, flirting

[ the manger ]

me: so what’s his name

mary: jesus christ

me: hey watch your language around the baby

When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?

So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.

*accidentally click on internet explorer*

Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-

Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.

Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.

[first date]

“You’re not into anything weird right?”

-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*

😭

Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it

omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse

***TRAVEL NEWS***

A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.

See that girl.

Watch that scene.

Diggin’ the Danson cream.

Your restraining order says NO

But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.

Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down

“And I want video games and new shoes and….”

Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!

Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!

Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.

We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.

When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.

It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.

Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.