I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
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[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.