I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
You Might Also Like
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
I was called charming yesterday and I will not stand idly by for these bullshit accusations.
wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
i don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, i am either not mad or will murder you
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN