I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
You Might Also Like
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.