Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶

Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING

ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today

TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨

When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost

Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.

Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.

I just can’t handle it anymore.

🤭

I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed

I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen

Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.

Me: what should I say instead of bull-

Wife: shhh say snake instead.

Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.

[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this

I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms

My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.

How my city treated us singles yesterday😮‍💨😩

Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help

There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.

[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”

My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?

Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.

*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)

Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?

Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…

fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg

stormtrooper: *sighs*

[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”

I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.

CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?

Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.

If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing

Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.

Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.

Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.

I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness

I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.