I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
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Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
why neck hurt
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?