Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”

If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.

Cat 911: What’s your emergency?

Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!

Cat 911: Seriously?

Cat: No, LOL!

Cat 911: LOL!

I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.

sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress

Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”

[on a first date]

Me: So do you like puppies?

Her: Oh I love them

Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies

Waiter: Excellent choice, sir

Doordasher handed me my food and said, enjoy the meal..

I said, you too..

Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.

It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.

If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.

I’m not lazy

My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.

[job interview]

“Tell me a strength.”

I’m a decision maker.

“Excellent. How about a weakness?”

I’m a bad decision maker.

[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep

Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao

When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.

I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.

I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”

ㅤㅤ

Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?

Everyone…

My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!

“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.

I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.

the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder

[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim

[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space

ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,

THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.

ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.

THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY

BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.