I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
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I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Here’s a meme
The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
😭😭😭
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.