i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
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Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.
It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
