i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
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Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
The three genders.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Food bloggers be like, “This is one of my go-to recipes but first here’s a Tolstoyesque tale about my grandmother, her friend Birdie, and the baking competition that threatened to tear apart a town before uniting it.”
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.