i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
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I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
I was called charming yesterday and I will not stand idly by for these bullshit accusations.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
He refuses to bathe without the Melon
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light