Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?

[waterloo]

napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing

general: yea

napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this

The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.

Her mouth opens, then closes.

The line grows.

I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.

The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.

Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time

The two types of wives

My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.

Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.

One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?

Show your work.

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…

“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.

“Wow,” she says.

[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy

can you read it!!??

maan!

another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car

“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200

One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches

Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.

[first day as a chef]

assistant: why is your hat squeaking

being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?

“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks

anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened

wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”

Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.

I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”

Now, I’m blocked.

Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!

Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?

Woman: Yes! No!

Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes

Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”

Cellmate : “Them what happened “??

“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”

Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”