I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
![]()
You Might Also Like
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?