Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble

When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist

*invents time machine*

*has an opportunity to right a wrong*

*makes it wronger*

cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit

I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.

When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.

What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.

I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.

Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.

This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.

me: no shoes in the house

murderer: sorry

If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff

i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.

This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?

A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number

[dinner at brother’s house]

“So where are the kids?”

Brother: I grounded them.

*spits out meatloaf*

Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band

Her: N*SYNC?

Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator

Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.

Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it

This is my emotional support knife.

accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times

My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition

me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team

captain: no you wouldn’t

me: ok

Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.

cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly

If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”

Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx

[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok