Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.

Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother

Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.

Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.

The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.

Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.

Who knew.

Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream

Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.

I was in the first Top Gun movie.

I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.

I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together

Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.

When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.

My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”

I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.

What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.

I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.

*gets in the bus*

*Brings out earphones*

*untangles*

*arrives*

My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”

Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.

Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.

Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark

Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”

Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.

Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.

People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.

My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough

Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.

I hate avocados

*gets kicked out of California*

Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.

I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.

I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy