I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
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True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Turning to the person next to me and saying “thanks for nothing” as I get off the train
The game has officially changed 😎
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.