I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
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Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
shampoo implies shampee
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
I don’t hate you, but I hope you meet someone just as nice as you that returns your favors.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
*has no idea what a book even is*
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.