I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
You Might Also Like
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
