I don’t want to brag but I found a recipe online, and then within *three weeks* not only made the recipe, but closed the tab on my browser
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My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Twitter is like a mental hospital where everyone thinks they are the only sane person and everyone else is crazy.
That’s fair
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Guys, I found it.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Santa baby, slip some mental stability under the tree, for me
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.