I don’t want to brag but I found a recipe online, and then within *three weeks* not only made the recipe, but closed the tab on my browser
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Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn’t actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.