I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
You Might Also Like
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Facebook Twitter
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
My five year plan is a meteorite
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough