Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell

On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice

To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.

An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.

When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”

I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”

Shut your racist asses up.

No, YOUR illiterate.

When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.

Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”

Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears

Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn

Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.

I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.

When you put it that way… 😂

My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?

WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!

WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF

me on ellen

ellen: so i heard you love the ocean

me: ya

(the studio starts flooding)

me: omg ellen you didn’t

Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.

Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.

[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans

Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.

You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???

“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”

Is Dutch some sort of clown language

Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:

Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?

Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.

My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”

[ikea date]

him: let’s go check out the beds 😉

me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.