Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.

I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.

But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.

911: what’s your emergency

me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball

911: again?

me: he won’t listen to us

North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.

vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes

Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.

The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.

It’s like grandma always said…

Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.

Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.

Me: I’m tired

My brain: turn on the tv

Me: but I need sleep

My brain: go pay some bills

Me: I’m so exhausted

My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes

Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.

Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.

Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.

ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]

This is niece.

Me too, bag. Me too….

Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.

Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting

I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.

It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.

New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years

me: h—

bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in

Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!

I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.

Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off

Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.

I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.

Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that

All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall

Lean in

And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’

I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.