Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.

Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.

The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.

To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.

You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”

Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion

Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.

If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.

Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking

My true love: no don’t

Me: what? Why not?

My true love: just trust me

[pirate ship capturing another ship]

Pirate: Prepare to be bored!

Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?

*pirate opens stamp collection*

Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”

I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for

Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?

Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing

Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?

Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider

Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?

Me: No

Mike is short for Micycle

Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”

*looking at glass of wine*

*turns off phone*

Me: *points at romantic relationships*

God: *slaps my hand* NO

{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.

if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal

We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us

me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”

Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.

Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.

Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.

Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.

now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.

Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏

Avocado pits are exceptionally useful, in some unexpected ways.

I once smuggled an avocado pit in my prison wallet when I had to go to jail for a bit.

Three days later. I carefully removed it then artfully carved a lockpick out of it. When I was caught a week later in Florida, I refused to tell them how I’d escaped. The sheriff who drove me back to prison told me I had balls.

If only he knew the truth.

Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone

The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.

“I just got engaged!”

— Starship Enterprise