I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
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[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Everyone’s family
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
is this store having a stroke wtf
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school