I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
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Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go![]()
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When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
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Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
twitter users today:
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Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉