Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.

Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel

Me: What did you do at school today?

4yo: Nothing

M: You must have done something.

4: I don’t remember.

[Bedtime]

M: Goodnight.

4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*

I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.

So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.

*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them

13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.

Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.

13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”

Do I fail parenting now?

Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.

We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man

That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.

Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social

Cat:

Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous

Cat:

*power goes out*

Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*

Cat: you were saying

LOL

Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history

I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok

Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.

[blind date]

Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit

Her: *looks*

Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*

Me: Did you finish the banana bread?

16: yep

Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.

16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!

The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.

True?

i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure

My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.

My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.

me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?

cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close

I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.

dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.

married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too

villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.

me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]

[rain starts immediately]

[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]

I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka

Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs

Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.