Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.

[first day as producer]

superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME

me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*

wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭

If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.

Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.

Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.

At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.

Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?

– everyone

Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average

A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook

Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.

Me: “Wanna see something cool?”

*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator

*holding a hose*

Husband: What are you doing?

Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.

Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?

Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.

I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.

[robbing Whole Foods]

“All the cash in a bag NOW!”

100% organic reusable bag ok?

“Yes!”

[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag

me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up

Boss: what are you doing?!

Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”

Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.

“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”

Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.

*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*

I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.

The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.

The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.

Him: Did you poop in the shower?

Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?

H: Well who else could it be?

M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?

H: Oh that makes more sense.

The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.

count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video

absolutely crushed dolphin wordle

I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese