Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.

BOSS: why are you late?

ME:

I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.

Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday

[day 8 of quarantine]

me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time

monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here

me:

monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again

monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here

when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf

she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”

What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.

What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.

it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut

I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.

[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here

I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.

#goodplan

$4 #usedbooks

Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?

When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.

Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly

Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter

WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen

“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6

Judge: You need supervision.

Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.

Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.

Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.

Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?

Me: K.

*walks into interview*

Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.

*walks out of interview*

Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin

[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]

Me: What?

“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.

Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.

My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.

A lot to unpack here…

But…girl rabbits don’t either.

Also…does Christ lay eggs?