i dont want to consume AI art for the same reason i dont call up my boys every sunday to watch a conveyor belt quickly and efficiently deliver a football to an endzone
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Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Can I donate fat instead of blood?