i dont want to consume AI art for the same reason i dont call up my boys every sunday to watch a conveyor belt quickly and efficiently deliver a football to an endzone
You Might Also Like
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.