i dont want to consume AI art for the same reason i dont call up my boys every sunday to watch a conveyor belt quickly and efficiently deliver a football to an endzone
You Might Also Like
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Genius.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first