I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
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[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
When you’ve simply given up.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.