Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one

My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.

He calls it “snackupuncture.”

BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*

fixed it

I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.

I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.

People who are bad at hiding, I see you

“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.

I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.

Let’s Go

My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.

me: the best things in life are free!

lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way

Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long

Me: yeah that was on purpose

i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited

A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.

I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies

Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time

I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.

This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.

KID FREE for DAYS!

So I licked her face.

The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.

If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.

I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.

ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped

My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.

Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.

How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?

She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.

[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks

“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”

I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.

*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”