I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
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snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
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My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
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I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.